Hilarious? An open letter to DP Dr. William Ruto

By Duke Shem

Chamgei William, I hope this letter finds you in good health.
Let me open my letter by congratulating you, am aware you were recently awarded a doctorate from The University of Nairobi. A Doctor in the political arena, no wonder you said you will run over anybody that will stand on your way in the race to succeed Muigai.
Pass my greetings to your boss!! The last time I saw you together was during the Karen lunch in matching suits. This reminded me of the year 2013 when you were being sworn in, the honeymoon days of the Jubilee party. It gave me much hope considering the waves that had swept across the country about the 9th march handshake that was meant to displace you and boost the royal Kanu son.
Suddenly nobody is talking about it anymore, the excitement is gone, and Gideon is nowhere! But am told he has camped in Western hunting for Mudavadi. I don’t want to call their duo a joke but am sure it could be worse than that. If you have Gideon’s number please tell him we have not forgotten the humiliation he subjected you to during the Kabarak visit, it’s my hope that it has dawned on him that he will not be president by campaigning in his father’s living room.
Pass my greetings to Khalwale, tell him he is doing a good job of spreading team tanga tanga gospel in Western, it’s my hope it won’t take long before Mudavadi is baptized to our religion. I wish Mudavadi could be your running mate and I know he is very willing but the only problem is the godfather, Mzee Atwoli. It seems no one can get the kingdom of the Luyha nation votes without his blessings, kindly consider paying him a visit soon because the moment we will get Mudavadi, Wetangula will come as an automatic bonus.
As you stabilize in your race to statehouse, we can’t pretend to ignore the wailing that is allover that William is a cartel who squandered money meant for maize farmers from his own backyard. They are saying it’s a case of a lion eating its own kids. It’s unfortunate that those who are making the loudest noise are the people who should be laying the foundation of our new party should the highly prophesied Jubilee party fallout come to pass.
Talking of the jubilee party fallout, is Moses Kuria alive? Where did the hatuna deni Mount Kenya mafias die to? I heard Waititu tell Boni at Hon Matungu’s homecoming ceremony that they were too waiting for the running mate post as much as the western people wanted it. I don’t know if this translates to their realization that your bid to statehouse is unstoppable.
Before I forget, I want to remind you that if a child is crying loud, then he must be hungry. Tell Mama Rachael to check what is in her kitchen and prepare a good meal and invite Kutuny, Tiren and Keter for lunch. Once they have eaten to their fullest, you will hear no more noise, infact they will keep coming back for more and more.
I want to wish you the very best but remind you that’s its high time we formed our own party, once a friend told me never to trust Mt Kenya mafias when it comes to power. Make sure we have a full party formed by the sidelines in case of anything. Advocate for Miguna’s return and make him among your front generals. If you won the famous Moha Jicho pevu then who is Miguna? Am told they are planning to expel Aisha Jumwa, infact we should be preparing a party to celebrate that decision. Give Senator Ledama a call and tell him he is welcomed home.
When you meet Obadiah, tell him to remain strong we will eventually overcome.
Once again congratulations for being the only man who stood against the claws of the so called political builder and destroyer from the plains and still made it.

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